


Things that Make you Go Hmmm....

by Ashbear



Category: Final Fantasy VIII
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-09
Updated: 2011-04-09
Packaged: 2017-10-17 19:19:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/180315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ashbear/pseuds/Ashbear
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes there are no words and, in this case, that probably would have been a good thing. Originally posted on ffnet in 2001, these were some hopefully humorous observations. Questions, answers, and the unveiling of the secret infomercial-pyramid-scheme of Norg and Seifer. It has just about everything that you *never* wanted to know about Final Fantasy VIII.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Um...Yeah...

**Author's Note:**

> Author Foreword: This was one of the very first things I ever wrote and posted at fanfiction.net… Unfortunately, when the rules were changed, it was considered a list and taken down. I have four original chapters and now everyone can see what my original writing was like...but alas, beware, I still have the same humor. Please don't base any of my writing skills on this 'story'… for there are no skills involved in this story.
> 
> Again, this was written around May of 2001, so please keep that in mind.

  
_  
**Things That Make You Go Hmmm...**   
_

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Chapter One… Um...Yeah...

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First, I want to say that I love Final Fantasy VIII and all its characters. I'm now playing it for my fourth time and I have started questioning many things. Therefore, these are a list of comments, questions, and concerns I have regarding the story. __

 ** _1\. Why was Squall put in charge?  
_** See, after starting the game again, I realized that he waited until the day of the field examine before going to the fire cave. What in the world? Do we really need a procrastinator in charge of Garden? The guy waited until the _last_ possible moment to take a silly test that would have been simple for such a Gunblade master. Was he really put in charge because he looked good in leather? Yes, I think so too…

 **2 _. What is up with Cid?  
_** Okay, see at the scene where they visit him in the orphanage he is all, “Squall, don’t let this get personal. You have more to think about than Rinoa. Others are depending on you.” Yet, is he not this the same man who we found early crying in the infirmary? In addition, the guy totally ditched us when we went into battle with Galbadia Garden. Yes, Cid, we know it's your wife - don’t let it get personal!

 ** _3\. Do they have grocery stores in Final Fantasy?_**  
Somewhere along the line, the group should have just taken Zell to the store. You can actually buy hotdogs and cook them. Simple. Get a pack of eight hot dogs; get some buns. COOK! No more waiting in line for the darn little things. Zell use the microwave!

 ** _4\. Hotel Beds?_**  
Isn’t amazing just how many hotels in FF8 contain three beds! Last time I walked into my nearest Holiday Inn, it had two. Conveniently, there are always three in the rooms. I'm glad the bed fairy is looking out for Squall and the gang. If not they might have to *share* a bed. We could not have that now could we? That's what fanfic is for...

 ** _5\. Cactuar is the scariest GF!_**  
Yes, it is true. The scariest thing I could possibly imagine is a fifty-foot cucumber, with eyes, attacking the world. Who possibly thought of this? _Hmmm...._ Next time, hire the little leprechaun from Lucky Charms - He is scary.

 ** _6\. Esthar, what is up with this place?_**  
So you get there, big beautiful city. Only problem is there is only one building accessible to the public. No hotels (With three beds as per Squaresoft contract), no bars, and no weapons shop. Who designed this place? All you do is walk around, and around on pretty glass highways. There are no shops, just a goofy computer terminal. Yes folks, Internet shopping at its best. Not to mention the place is in the shape of a giant spider. Like to see who was on the town planning committee, Little Miss Muffet?

 ** _7\. Flying Garden = some major problems!_**  
Now just how is FedEx supposed to deliver overnight if nobody knows where this place will be?

 ** _8\. Why does Seifer not wear a uniform on his test?  
_** So everybody is in the Garden vehicle and Seifer is still in his trench coat. Umm... just because he failed a few times he does not wear his uniform, like every other SeeD! Maybe his score goes down _because_ he is not in proper dress. Did he think of that? On that hand, why is Squall’s gang the only group running around Garden not in a uniform? Except, of course, for the little running kid in the hall - do not get me started about running in the halls.

 ** _9\. Zell's secret identity?_**  
I believe we now know what happened to Vanilla Ice. Mystery solved.

 ** _10\. Shiva and Siren, can we put some clothes on!?  
_** Okay not that I really mind, but see every time they would come on my husband had some nice comment. In fact, he would encourage me to use them. “Look Siren’s a natural blonde” and “Look at those ‘icicles’ on Shiva” - rates right up there. Not to mention the jokes I was faced to endure about the vibrator function on the controller. Husbands. (Insert own joke here)

 

 **There are probably a thousand more questions I could come up with like:**

1\. Irvine = Good Chip ‘n Dale dancer?  
2\. Edea? Mortica Addams? Are they the same person?  
3\. Why does Edea have the best body in the game? Did you see how low cut her dress was? Jennifer Lopez watch out.  
4\. Can you give a Marboro a Mentos for bad breath?  
5\. Does Chicobo or Chocobo taste like chicken?


	2. I'm so sorry...

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Chapter Two…I’m so sorry

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It is back by un-popular demand...

 _Part two of **THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMM....**_

  
Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy or any of the characters. I do not even own the action figures; my husband will not let me buy them. However, I did name my daughter’s blonde Barbie, Quistis. Then went out and bought a dark haired Barbie, named her Rinoa, and a Ken doll Squall. Thinking about getting a GI Joe and naming it Seifer. I need professional help.

Again, I want to state I love this game and all its characters. This is not meant to be taken seriously, just after playing so many times, one begins to notice random things. I know it is just a game (Please do not let the Final Fantasy Gods hear that!)

Um, just a small correction on the above paragraph. I found a character whom I despise... the Card Queen. So I love all the characters (minus the Card Queen), and possibly the annoying running kid at Balamb Garden...

  
 ** _1\. Electric bills are scarier than Ruby Dragons._**  
Yes, I was completely amazed at the Garden Masters running around screaming about money. Did anyone else notice the view from the training center’s “secret area” (Secret my foot)? The lights of Garden are amazing. I believe that it is the only manmade object visible from the Esthar Space Station. Gee, think of the environment; turn the lights off!

 ** _2\. Who designed the uniforms for the Esthar soldiers?_**  
Um... yeah. What genius said, “let’s put these puppies in pastel?” So, even if we cannot win the battle, the soldiers from Galbadia might actually _laugh_ themselves to death. Yep. “Very Mod”.

 ** _3\. What is up with the lion thing?_  
** Okay, honestly this was not something I ever thought about until I took my kids to the zoo. The guy giving the tour was talking about male lions. Turns out, they sleep 20 hours a day, while the _lioness_ does all the hunting, nurturing of children, and basic survival. The male sleeps all day. So would this have changed the story if Squall were called _a lioness_? Yep. How about a game where Squall lays in bed all day and tells Rinoa to go save the world, kill all the monsters, and raise the children? Darn the animal kingdom for ruing a perfectly good metaphor for game play!

 ** _4\. What I sup with Dr. Odine?_**  
Where do you think this person actually got his medical degree? Yes, the Sally Struthers mail-away Doctor Program! You too can save the world from an evil sorceress in six easy steps. On a somewhat related topic...who designed Odine’s outfit? Does that collar not resemble something they put on dogs so they do not bite themselves? And here I thought that leisure suits were weird...

 ** _5\. Animal abuse at its worst?_**  
Yes, I’m actually one of those people who like Rinoa. Sorry, do not hold it against me. However, where can I possibly find a dog like Angelo? I have a Shetland Sheep dog (Miniature Collie) and was already disappointed that she was not _Lassie_ and couldn’t tell me if ‘ _Timmy fell down the well_.’ Now, I have to live with the disappointment that she cannot do Angelo Strike. Trust me, tried Angelo Cannon with her... several thousand in vet bills later, it still doesn’t work.

 ** _6\. Curaga is not the miracle drug?_**  
So I’m thinking somewhere during the game that this must be the coolest spell ever. It can heal an icicle through the chest (End of disk one) but, it can’t take away a simple scar? So, we can pretty much lose a limb and tra-da it is back, but a simple flesh wound between the eyes and forget it. (Okay, I like the scar just trying to figure out the logic behind this)

 ** _7\. Is there a law against large groups?_**  
Why in the world when facing the greatest evil of all time would we only be in groups of three? How many times have we gone out in the real world and seen a group of four or more! The shame. In the game, we travel across the great landscapes leveling up, again in groups of three. While, I guess, the other half of the ‘children-of-fate’ sit in Garden or Ragnarok and play Triple Triad. Yeah. Let’s sit over here and watch you three go fight Omega Weapon. Go Team!!!!

 ** _8\. Where do the halls go?_**  
When we first arrive at Balamb Garden we are graciously presented with FMV of students walking the halls and out in the Quad. Yet mysteriously, after we learn the Garden can fly, the halls go bye-bye. Yep. Playing again I noticed all the ‘extra’ buildings around Garden seem to fall victim to the disappearing act, also the whole walkway/front gate area. After we visit the hole in the ground, which was Garden, we get nothing. No front gate or nice place to draw our happy cure spell. I miss the old Garden! NOTE TO ZELL: If I ever become a SeeD, _do not_ touch my stuff. I will put in my own room, thank you.

 ** _9\. Case of the mysterious campaign glass…_**  
Okay after... let us for arguments sake say the ‘3rd’ time playing this game, I noticed something about the SeeD graduation ball. We all remember the famous scene where Squall is standing against the wall, right? He is holding his glass. Yet, mysteriously, when Rinoa drags poor, innocent Squall out onto the dance floor, it is no longer in his hand.

 ** _UPDATE:_** _After talking to a few of my Garden sources turns out, he dropped it on the newly waxed ballroom floor. Unfortunately, a new SeeD recruit fell and broke his leg on said ‘mystery drink’. He settled for 1.5 million Gil with the attorneys of Paterson, Hembig, and Lewitz. Nice going Commander_!

 ** _10\. Another secret identity revealed!_**  
Last chapter we learned that Zell was really Vanilla Ice. Now startling revelations have led us to the conclusion that “Kiros” is actually another pop eighties icon, “The Artist Formally Known as Prince.” The jury is still out on whether Laguna’s alter ego is/was Boy George. Look at the picture on his card, add some eyeliner, braids, and hat.... _Hmmm._

 __

 _Bonus sections: Questions and Little known facts_.

 **Q: Why does Squall wear so many belts?**  
A: Turns out that Squall was actually the real _Jared from Subway_. It’s a little known fact that before we joined the hero in progress, he had just lost 250lbs. The belts he uses for mental security. None, of his pants actually fit him yet... (Love ya, Squall!)

 **Q: How do the characters hold 100 of each item within their pockets?**  
A: Well, they actually _shrink_ said items down thanks to Dr. Wayne Zelenski’s shrink ray. (He was inventor of the year, 1986 as shown in the ‘documentary’ film “ _Honey I Shrunk the Kids_ ”)

 **Q: Are Malboro’s related to the cigarettes?**  
A: Yes, they are. However, unfortunately due to a court injunction from the attorneys of _Paterson, Hembig_ , and _Lewitz,_ I cannot talk about this right now.

 **Q: Why is there only one classroom in Balamb Garden?**  
A: Well, this is a very good question. One that I have not found the answer too, on that note: Why is Quistis the only instructor we see? (Okay, once when I showed a kid how to use magic in the hall - some dude ran out of the classroom and lowered my SeeD ranking. (Instructor Aki) Um... doesn’t he know that Squall is the Commander! Squall should lower his ranking for just being stupid!) Yet, poor Quisty loses her teaching license. It is a great world where she’s not old enough to drive a car or have alcohol, but can teach children how to kill.

  
 **NOW SOME OF MY RESEARCH HAS FOUND OUT LITTLE KNOW FACTS OF FF8:**

1\. Selphie Tilmitt actually has a Masters Degree from MIT. She also holds a doctorate from Notre Dame University. Guess we know how she could fly the Ragnarok so easily!

2\. Zell’s favorite movie _: Jaws I, II, & IV_ (He did not care much for the plot of three - said it was too predictable: shark eats people, shark dies.)

3\. Squall’s favorite Movie: _Weekend and Bernie’s 2_

4\. Quistis favorite TV Show: _Xena Princess Warrior_ \- Seifer's favorite TV Show: _Rugrats_ (Go figure!)

5\. Diablos is actually ‘ _Sir Diablos’_ as he was knighted by the Queen. He is also a Shakespearean trained actor.

6\. Squall has a deathly fear of Chocobos. Therefore, for the portions of the game that required him to ride one, they had to spray paint an ostrich with yellow paint.

7\. General Caraway once appeared as the unknown comic on the gong show. (Okay, seventies reference - I am showing my age here!)

8\. Squall once scored a perfect 300 game in bowling.

9\. Irvine’s middle name is Mervin. _(DO NOT EVER CALL HIM THAT!)_

10\. Fujin can speak 27 languages. Unfortunately, she can only say fifty-three words in each.


	3. Why are you still reading this?

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Chapter Three… Why are you still reading this?

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 _Yes, I own Final Fantasy and all the characters. Now, the nice men in white jackets tell me it is time for more medicine._

Please this is my usual, sad disclaimer. These are mainly the views of a mother, with an extremely strange humor. For all of you who with me last chapter, my dog is doing well after my final attempt to knock down the evil cat atop the refrigerator with _Angelo Strike_. Only every time she sees Rinoa with Angelo, she attacks television. We are currently working with a very good doggy therapist.

 ** _1\. Help us through time-compression!_**  
Did anybody stop to realize that if our heroes had messed up somewhere at the end of the game, the only people to survive time-compression would be the Card Club? Why are they the only people aboard the Ragnarok anyhow? I guess it’ll be up to them to re-populate the world. Great, imagine the “ _Son of Spade”_ being President. Lovely. The world is ending but... let’s play cards! However, this brings me to point #2...

 ** _2\. Jail break = card playing?_**  
Yes, were all you guys running around with the _annoying_ alarm going off at the D-District prison? The world is in danger, the armed guards are after us, and so what would be the logical thing to do? Yes, you got it. Play cards. Great, next time I watch a movie like _‘Escape from Alcatraz’_ or ‘ _Shawshank Redemption’_ ; I’ll wonder why the escapees are not stopping to play cards with the other inmates. Squall would!

 ** _3\. What’s up with that girl?_**  
Okay, so I didn’t really pay attention to her the first time I played the game. Did anyone else remember the girl in the short black dress in Timber looking at the railroad model? Yes, I’m sure she Final Fantasy’s version of working for Heidi Fleiss. (That is the nicest way I can say it). First, she is hitting on Squall in Timber ( _Boyfriend, hobby, etc.)._ Next, she’s walking the street in FH saying dorky things like ‘ _you think I’m cute_ ’ or ‘ _you're cute_ ’. Next, she’s in Deling at the sorceress parade, and then after she is standing out in front of _the hotel_. Yep. Finally, she’s in the Palace in Esthar as an intern under President Loire’s desk. Wait. That last part was only available in the special - _Bill Clinton Edition of Final Fantasy 8_ \- Never mind...

 ** _4\. Hertz, Avis, and all other rental places would go out of business!_**  
So you're in the large city of Deling or the small community of Balamb and you need a car. I got it; let's go rent the _one_ maybe _two_ cars they have in stock. Don’t you think these places would totally go out of business by now? I personally, only rented a car one time in the game. That was just to see what it was like. Sad, I know – not the thrill-a-minute I’d expected from reading the brochures. However, we all saw the road between towns... not much in the way of traffic. Last I time I drove between, let’s say, Chicago and St. Louis I actually saw other cars. Weird.

 ** _5\. How come the training center is the only thing open after curfew?_**  
See it’s all right for kids to go and fight the big, scary monsters after hours. Just do not get yourself hurt because the infirmary does not open until 8:00 am. So grab that hanging limb of yours and wait patiently, and please don’t get any blood on the floor. The janitorial staff does not come on duty for another two hours. Darn HMOs now taking over the office hours in our video games! Next time Dr. Kadowaki will not treat you without obtaining proper medical insurance. That would be a fun side quest.

 ** _6\. White SeeDs..._**  
Now, as a mother of two, I can tell you just how practical having white uniforms are. Yep. They are so easy to keep clean! Also, in case of military ambushes, white is practically invisible in the jungle. The only place these uniforms would be good is in the snow, or ice planets like Hoth. Now we know what the designers of the _pastel_ Estharian soldiers uniforms did next.

 ** _7\. Where do they get all the money?_**  
Let’s all try to remember the first part of the game. (Peabody time to go into the way-back machine) So, the poor Forest Owls don’t have enough money to pay for a proper SeeD team. Garden Masters (have to love those big goobers) said they were only dispatching three SeeDs to Timber because _it was being done for very little money_. Yet, when we get to Timber, we go aboard the Owl’s hideout. A train. Amazingly, these people had enough money to duplicate a very ornate train car that held the President, build a look-alike dummy, and have an elaborate bedroom for their _Princess_. Yet, they couldn’t pay SeeD? Also about Rinoa’s model, I know how expensive those working to-scale train models can be. Maybe if she took a magic marker and drew the plan on paper, or even a damn chalkboard, I would actually believe these people had no money!!!

 ** _8\. The Sorceress Parade pretty much sucked…_**  
The first time I played, I was so awe-inspired by the beautiful graphics I didn’t really look at the parade. Then I realized that the only thing in the parade was the sorceress on her float, and twenty dancers. Last time I watched a parade everybody was there. Where was the local Deling High School band marching out-of-step? Where was the perky little baton twirlers with sequined outfits? Where were all the other floats made by various community organizations? Where was the video version of Kathy Lee Gifford and Bryant Gumble hosting the event? Huh? I had to sit on the cold pavement of Deling for three hours and all I saw was one lousy float!

 ** _9\. Irvine and Squall can’t run. This is a fact. Deal with it._**  
I’m still at the parade here (I know it was sooooo long, it needed two paragraphs. _Riiight_ ). So these two trained mercenaries are supposed to sneak by the float with Seifer and Edea, without being noticed by anyone. Did you see the way they ran? Seriously, if you don’t remember, go check it on youtube, I’ll wait...

…Alrighty then, I shall continue. After watching that, I wanted to kick Squall and Mervin (oops, sorry _Irvine_ ) on their respective butts. Let’s bend over and put your arms behind you. Yes, that is how my two-year old played flying duck or airplane. There’s nothing less suspicious than two grown men running down the street of a parade this way. Yes, officer we were just showing the crowd how ducks fly. I believe years of SeeD training went into this. Someone check the SeeD manual on how to run, please.

 ** _10\. Odin and Gilgamesh, can you get a clue?_**  
I like the help from these two friendly knight dudes as much as anyone. However, where are they when, let’s say a Malboro or Ruby Dragon appears? See, but when something _horrifying_ like a single Bug Bite or Turtapod comes up: **THERE THEY ARE**! Is it me or does this get to anyone else? Thanks for the twenty-minute intro for something I could accomplish in one hit. I’m so impressed. Don’t even get me started on _‘Excalipoor’_. I’m not saying it happens all the time, just a majority in my game-playing experience. I can picture them watching us on television screen, eating popcorn, and laughing. Dumb humans.

 

 **Now for some questions:**

 ** _Q: Do all Galbadian Generals have entrances to the sewers in their house?_**  
A: Well, yes, yes they do. It’s true that the Galbadian Military is known for not paying their soldiers very well. So, in an effort to keep moral high, a new bonus program was implemented about a decade ago. When you first ‘sign up’ for the military you are _*told_ * about said sewers. Next after several grueling weeks at boot camp, you are given a _*picture*_ of said sewers. When you reach the rank of First Lieutenant you are given a _*tour*_ of said sewer. At the important rank of Major, you are actually given a house with a _*window*_ of said sewer. Finally, when you reach the rank of General, you are in fact given your own entrance to the sewer. Who needs pay when the benefits are so damn good!

 ** _Q: Why is the training center furthest from the infirmary?_**  
A: Well, according to Garden sources, the infirmary was actually switched with the library several years ago. In studies done, it turned out that more injuries occurred in the cafeteria than the training center. The rush for hotdogs can get very, very ugly. In addition, the same study showed that only 43.6% of the hotdog injuries involved Zell.

 ** _Q: Why can’t get jeans to fit him?_**  
A: Shortly after the game, Zell did in fact get new jeans. It turned out that he was supporting his best friend Squall during his Subway diet. Zell, in turn, lost 38lbs. Unlike Squall, he lost all his weight thanks to the Slim-Fast product _– the hotdog milkshake._ He had two delicious shakes and a sensible dinner every night. Sensible being only four hotdogs, not five. Then after he lost all the weight, he thought the baggy pant look was ‘very rad.’ Remember MC Hammer anyone?

 

 ** _Yes. Like a fruitcake at Christmas, they are back!!!_** More little-known facts in the Final Fantasy universe.  

1\. Ifrit was once featured as “ _Mr. July_ ” in the “ _GF of the Month_ ” calendar. Don’t worry, it was tastefully and artistically done.

2\. During music class Seifer was forced to learn to play the accordion. He liked it.

3\. Squall, Seifer, Zell, Irvine, and Raijin once went to a Halloween party dressed as ‘The Village People.’ Yes, they did play YMCA.

4\. Selphie & Quistis made enough money selling pictures of the guys (in #3) after the party to pay for a seven-night trip to the Bahamas.

5\. Cid owns every Barry Manalow album every released.

6\. Ward was president of the High School debate team.

7\. Ellone actually was more like a ‘big Sis’ than Squall remembered. She spent most of her time making him play Barbie's. He had to be the one with no head.

8\. Seifer was once grounded for two weeks for ripping the head off Barbie.

9\. “Little Squall’s” shirt was actually a hand-me-down from Charlie Brown. _Seriously_.

10\. Ultimecia was in the ‘Miss Planet’ beauty competition. She came in first runner up and Miss Congeniality.

11\. Zell is obsessed with Laura Croft. Do not tell him she just a video game character. Really, please. Do not tell him.

12\. Edea and Cid do one killer impression of Sonny & Cher.

13\. Biggs and Wedge went on to invent the infomercial.

14\. Adel has signed on to be in the next Richard Simmons “ _Sweating to the Oldies_ ” fitness video.

15\. Rinoa and Squall’s favorite hobby is polka-dancing dancing. Seifer plays the accordion for them.

 **CORRECTION TO THE PREVIOUS ISSUE:**

 _A few days ago, I was served with a noticed from the attorneys of Paterson, Hembig, and Lewitz. It turns out that Squall would like me to make a correction to the fact that he is *scared* of Chocobos. He states in an eight-page deposition that he is actually *allergic* to them. That is why the ostrich was spray-painted. Although, a sorceress…er, I mean a ‘source’ inform me that he sleeps nightly on a Chocobo feathered pillow. Hmmm..._


	4. If you are still reading…WHY???

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Chapter Four… If you are still reading…WHY???

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 _Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy or any of its characters. Wait, hold up, I just ordered the first four people over the internet! So soon, they will all be mine. Really, they are not for me, they are for my son. Yep, that’s it. That’s the ticket. However, technically I guess Squaresoft still owns them so please do not sue. You will not get much except Tic Tacs and “A New Kids on the Block” cassette tape._

 __  
Special Announcement:

I would like to be the first to congratulate fanfiction.net newest team of technical staff, Biggs and Wedge. After the wonderful job they did in such events as _communication tower_ , _Lunatic Pandora_ , and _D-District Prison_ , these two highly trained individuals are now in charge of fanfiction.net’s computer system. Again, let us welcome them to the staff!

Now for the list of new and exciting observations from someone who is not employed and spending way too much time with her kids:

 ** _1\. Door lock? What is this ‘lock’ you speak of?_**  
So we just love being at Garden, right? Being a SeeD is wonderful. We have our new room…but it’s busier than Grand Central Station. You're the damn commander and everyone just keeps on walking in the room. Here’s a whacky idea, Leonhart, maybe you should learn how to use a lock. Think back…the first time Selphie makes her way in our (old) room! She even stays there while we change. Ummm, yeah. Later Rinoa walks in on us _twice_ , both times Squall’s still lying in bed. Then Quistis comes in the middle of the night to play cards with us. Wait a minute. There seems to be a pattern. Selphie, Rinoa, and Quistis. _Squall you dog..._

 ** _2\. The mysterious ring…_**  
We’ve all grown to know, and love, _Griever_. However, playing the game again (and again) Squall always is wearing his gloves, right!? Well no, because the one time you see his hands is at the dance and he’s oddly not wearing Griever!!! Yes, I know I’m having issues here – my overuse of exclamation points says as much. Anyways, back to the ring, how the heck does Rinoa know what the ring looks like then? (Okay, unless we all look back at point #1 of this issue and draw our own conclusions!) She said he _alwa_ y _s_ is wearing it. Yet, we never see it... I don’t remember the GF equipped with X-ray vision. Oh, that’s right - Irvine had exclusive rights to that one.

 ** _3\. The mysterious ring continued…_**  
Not only does this ring have the power to be the world’s most powerful GF, it also has the mysterious ability to pass through solid materials. For example, when Zell asks for the ring during the Garden invasion, Squall takes it off. However, and this is very important to note, he _doesn’t_ even bother taking his gloves off! What a man. What a stud. Then, after Rinoa is given said ring, she puts it on her finger and complains it is too big. Next, she goes and falls off the side of Garden ( _OK that is point #4 - just ‘hang on’ a second_ ). After the dashing hero saves her... Yep... she said she has his ring, and put it on her chain for safe keeping. From finger to chain? While hanging off a cliff. You go girl!!! 

 ** _4\. Speaking of ‘hanging on cliffs’_** _(or the side of Garden as the case may be)..._  
Is Rinoa not the world's strongest person, or what? Do you know how hard it would be to hold on to dirt that long...? Look how she holding it! Yet, she manages to hold on through two waves of attacks. Not to mention there are three, yes three, scenes that show G-Garden ramming into B-Garden. One the little boy falls down; in another one it shows even our fearless leader Squall having a hard time standing, Selphie too. Yet, amazingly, Rinoa holds on to only dirt! Darn she is good. (Don’t forget while hanging on the cliff she puts Griever on the chain) Hmmm...

 ** _5\. Clean sewers are all the rage in Galbadia?_**  
Yes, it’s true. We know how much the sewers mean to the fine citizens of Galbadia already, but wow…these are the cleanest sewers in the world. This also leads me to the fact that Zell, Quistis, and Selphie had the world's biggest brain fart. See those sewers there, the clean ones? It looks to me that there is only like a four foot - _at most_ \- cross between them. Why don’t they just jump the thing! Even if they walked across and fell in the water, it is not deep dudes. Gee, my kid's pool does not look as clean as those amazing sewers (featured once in “Better Sewers and Gardens”)... Anyway, our group of three, but _never_ more, actually crawl up and down the water wheels. That is so much more dangerous than crossing a four-foot stream of crystal-clear water peeps. Not to mention all the time it takes! Someone get me a copy of the SeeD manual, tell if me it against regulations to make things simple. Yet, these are the same people who jump from train car to train car and off the second floor in Galbadia Garden? Need I say more?

 ** _6\. GF and memory loss…fact or easy plot-hole filler?_**  
The first time I played the game, I didn’t think of how much havoc these little guys caused. Do you realize that we’re taking the field exam, yet Quistis has to give us a million tutorials? What have we been doing with our lives the last twelve years of our life! Obviously, not studying… There are signs all over Garden, saying what everything is. I mean _big signs_. If you talk to the two girls before going to the Fire Cave, they actually tell you where the front door is. Can you believe Squall has been there for over twelve years and still cannot find the front door! Some hero... I’m surprised the characters even remember to change their clothes every day. Oh...wait.

 ** _7\. Why Laguna, not Ward?_**  
So we’re all ready to find out what happened to poor Squall after the first disk, right. We put in disk 2 and what do we get “ _Kiros and Laguna’s Excellent Adventure_ ” in Winhill. Talking to Raine in the bar, Kiros mentions that Ward is working in D-District prison. Ever wonder why we were not treated to the thrill Zell was? Wouldn’t have it been quite the adventure to mop floors, clean toilets in the cells, and visit with Galbadia’s most wanted? If Zell gets that fun experience in dream world, we want it to, darn it! Can you say downloadable content extra?

 ** _8\. Steven Spielberg called, he wants his movie set back._ **  
When I first played, I noticed the training center seemed similar to Jurassic Park. Very, very similar. Then all of a sudden wham... a T-Rex. Something seems a little fishy here, anybody check the copyright laws in Balamb?

 ** _9\. Cid was having too much fun?_**  
Who named these spells anyhow? Do Fiagra and Viagra sound a little too close to you people? Unfortunately, Cid made the same mistake. He is in Balamb General and recovering nicely.

 

 **Ah, questions and answers time…**

 ** _Q: Why is there only one classroom in Garden?_**  
A: Well, this was asked quite a while ago. Unfortunately, it did take a little research. Seems that Garden officials were not very willing to let my reporters to the second floor. For good reason. Turns out Seifer and Norg, to make extra money, were renting out the other classrooms to very shady ‘businesses’. In room 101 we found none other than Martha Stewart and fifty or so sewing machines. She was signing something about K-Mart at the time. We left quickly, for our own safety. In room 102, we found the people responsible for making the McDonalds Monopoly promotion. Unfortunately, most were gone on trips they had just mysteriously won. Room 103 contained Chocobo fighting - most of the CC members were present there. Room 104 contained a night school class of: _How to be more like Britney Spears_. In attendance: Rinoa, Quistis, Selphie, Fujin, Edea, the Card Queen, Library Girl, Xu, Cafeteria Lady, Kiros, a Moomba, General Caraway, and Adel. While Irvine, Squall, Seifer, Raijin, and Zell were there with a video camera and popcorn.

 ** _Q: How do people fall in love in three or four days?_**  
A: Well, I’m not here to debate how long the game play actually took. I have read from a week to over a year in total. We’ll leave that to the experts to debate. However, as far as falling in love, time is irrelevant with the new “ _Hypnotize at Home Kit_ ” as seen on late-night television. Yes, turns out this was used quite often during FF8. It was also used in Florida during the 2004 elections. Found an address… send $199.95 to.

 ** _Norg and Seifer, Inc.  
Home Hypnotize Kit  
Balamb Garden Room #105  
Balamb, Balamb 00001_ **

**_Q: How many brothers and sisters does Ifrit have if every cadet has to visit the Fire Cavern?_  
** A: Okay, actually this one is simple once we got the facts straight. Ifrit is an only child; can’t you tell by his demanding domineering? Cid already knew the future – so he had planned to give Squall the horned stud to help on the quest. So this leaves the question: _what happened to all the other SeeDs_? Well, their actual objective was to journey to Ifrit and play poker with him until they won. When this objective is achieved, they each receive a commemorative T-shirt that stated: _I beat Ifrit and all I got was this lousy T-shirt._

If they managed to do it within 10 minutes, candidates received a bonus. The Shumi-Of-The Month collector's plates - 12 in this amazing collection. If you want to own this beautiful decorator set, you can send $99.95 and not even fight Ifrit. The address is...

 ** _Norg and Seifer, Inc.  
Shumi Collectors Plates  
Balamb Garden Room #106  
Balamb, Balamb 0001_ **   
_  
_

  
**_Still More Little Known Facts:_ **

1\. Raijin went on a hunger strike when he found out the movie “ _Dude, Where’s My Car?_ ” was not nominated for an academy award. _And then..._

2\. “ _Mean Guy_ ” from D-District prison was later featured on the season premiere of Deling City COPS.

3\. Cactuar and Tonberry went on strike when they found out they were the only GFs not on rare cards. Before producers lured them back to the Final Fantasy franchise with large bonuses, they had a stint on Barney and Friends.

4\. Fujin is Balamb Garden’s 10 time scrabble champion.

5\. Angelo tried to ‘ _get friendly’_ with the dog from Dollet.

6\. Due to lack of crew, the ‘posse’ was also forced to play the part of most of the Garden Masters, ergo, the robes. Editing was done later on to change voices. It didn’t sound right to hear: _Go see Garden Master Norg, ya know_. RAGE. _Be here within three seconds, ya know_. AFFIRMATIVE. And of course: Give me the goddamn T-Board Chicken-Wuss. It just did not fit in correctly with the art director's vision.

7\. Edea’s orphanage was actually shut down because state law required her to have more than one bedroom for the fifteen orphans there.

8\. For Christmas Cid gave all his students fruitcakes. They, in return, gave him a fully paid, all-inclusive, vacation to _the Island Closet to Hell_.

9\. Pu Pu the alien was actually a large marshmallow Seifer painted sky-blue in order to fool Squall for Elixirs. It worked.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At this point, fanfiction.net cracked down on list fics…and tragedy was felt from in all fandoms, from Harry Potter to Starsky and Hutch. It was fun while it lasted, although it wasn’t useful. So for all those who reviewed and asked questions nine years ago, I thank you. A lot of these facts have been recycled into my actual stories, although the delivery varied greatly. Anyway, if you made it through…um why? But I thank everyone for ten years of memories. ;)


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